This post is a little painful to write, but since I’m being honest about our TTC (trying to conceive) journey, it needed to be written.
A little background about our journey:
Our first son, Caleb, was born in December 2017. My partner was 34, I was 30. This was my first pregnancy of any sort. We weren’t trying, we weren’t not trying. At that point, we had been together since October 2014.
My menstrual cycle resumed back in October 2019 – that same month, we started trying to baby number two. We were torn on if we wanted another child or not, but decided if it happened, it happened.
Fast forward to the end of June 2020. It hadn’t happened by that point and honestly, we were starting to get a little worried. The day before my partner left to go out of town on a trip, I took a pregnancy test as my menstrual cycle was 3 days late.
I kept the secret to myself, while planning on how to reveal the news to my partner when he returned. I had already planned out the nursery, etc. I was excited.
Two days after testing positive, I started feeling out of sorts. My lower back was killing me, my body felt… full, and I had a little bit of spotting. That evening, I took another pregnancy test – not-pregnant. I slept horribly that night and first thing the next morning (July 4th), I loaded my son up into my car and we went to the store for another pregnancy test.
Almost as soon as I peed on the test strip, I started bleeding. Heavily. Much heavily than any of my periods before (and for longer – I bled for 5/6 days). I spent that day on the couch, binge watching “The Babysitter’s Club” on Netflix before I pulled myself together, got a shower, and took my son out into the neighborhood to watch fireworks.
It was only after losing that baby did I realize how much I wanted a second child. It will happen. My two year old told me so and I believe him. When I told him we weren’t going to have a baby, he replied, “Yes you will mommy. And I will push him in the stroller”. Then he gave me a hug and brought me a balloon.
But then again, if it does not happen – I have a wonderfully happy, healthy little boy that I am absolutely in love with and am enjoying watching him grow up.
Chemical pregnancies suck. A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage that occurs before the fifth week of gestation and is believed to affect as many as 75 percent of pregnancies that end in miscarriage. It doesn’t make it any easier of a loss, especially when you feel that joy of seeing that positive sign.
It’s okay to grieve that loss. Remember, it isn’t your fault. You did nothing to cause that loss.
On the plus side, having a chemical pregnancy at least shows that you can get pregnant again – and from what I read, it’s a sign that you will probably get pregnant soon.
So, finger’s crossed!